Backseat Reviewers.

Welcome to * DADAH DADAH DADAH DADAH DA DA DA DADAH DAHA DADAH DADAH DAH!* Backseat Reviewers… for all your pleasurable needs….wait that sounds pedo grandad stylee…. Er…. We will get the next bit done later, but onto the pressing issue, I know there hasn’t been a review for the past X weeks (think its 2) but theres a few reasons… 1. FUCK ALL HAS COME OUT, 2. I got a new rig and couldn’t get any of the stuff done for a while, 3. Ive been lazy…& 4. Did I mention FUCK all has come out, but in the near future we are gonna have ben with halo wars, bankock dangerous and Killzone2 as well as ben we have the code monkey doing a review (yes we let him out of the cage for once) of Dawn of war II and Ive got several things up my sleeve like that large pile of games on my side. I would carry on to talk about the recuite we had training up but theres a funny story about that… We send him to find shelob and well…..he found her…BRING ON THE NEXT RECUITE…any way on with the review

The Maw, is a game on the XBLA (yay not a-fucking-nouther one ) and was realised back in the time where eagles and dolphins where the only mode of transport in the land of January 09 (ok so it wasn’t that long ago but with amount of games released un-naturally in the 1s quarter it fucking feels like it)

So your this blue squishy alien called frank (yes the creative division was playing with a ball of wool on the day that was decided) and he doesn’t know evil or war because he was mummy cuddled from birth until he was dropped arse 1^st onto a beautiful planet after a ship he was in crashed into a planet and spilled out lots of different coloured squishy things until he find one called Maw which is a hungry purple squishy thing (I think the creative division had been fired by this point) and this purple squishy thing goes around eating all the multi-coloured things and becoming a multi-coloured purple thing…

ok I don’t know that for sure because my colon exploded by boredom that I didn’t find it out that and it was a demo… the place where you play is pretty well designed for a XBLA and the little multi-coloured squishy things look like….. Well little multi-coloured squishy things and that is a good thing as the creativity section has been found in the corner with a shotgun between their mouths like the unloved drug addicts you walked past yesterday….. Yes it’s your fault he blew their brains out they needed love… And then that caused a chain reaction where all of their family’s died … just because the market is chock a block with remakes and 1FS and no brainer gore… I’m not saying there bad but there needs to be some games where it uses intelligence… and you have fun….remember those things… any how I procrastinate,

The main issue the game has is it handles like a paraplegic with a nine inch nail embedded in his non-responsive thigh..but don’t get me wrong, The game isn’t bad, but it isn’t good either, its bland, its boring, its like Mr. Grey living in Grey town, grey country with his wife Margret or Mr. Pirates Monotimus adventure…and that’s its main problem… that and its potential to piss its self when ever the nurse isn’t around ….

But now onto the Good the bad and the UGLY!!!

The Good;

The colours are bright and vibrant,

The squishy things look like squishy things

The bad;

Its BORING;

What the hell are the squishy blobs supposed to be,

Some of the names of the squishy things are ridiculous

The ugly;

Its the kind of game I can imagine 20 something single mother playing while they aren’t at work or eating pizza

So 50 years down the line we go to the shop and we have to choose between Halo 567, Gears of war 67 and street fighter 5 becuase they are the only games left being made.. remember this….I fucking called it

( I would like to thank “Yatzee” from Zero Punctuation for insperation for all of my reviews (since myspace days) and basicly the last line)