Backseat Reviewers.

Welcome to another review from Backseat Reviewers from Dan…. The super villain of the brand as I will break bens ankles soon if he doesn’t do a kill zone 2 review soon… damn you Ben… but this week’s rookie came over from France… well err.. Yeah … he didn’t last long… after 20 words and 3 of them where… Halo, shit & worst…Ben lifted him up with his hulk powers and dropped him head 1st into a vat of bree and I let the room as it was too gruesome to recall…but onto the review… And funnily enough the next rookie

Look ma, no hands!

Tom Clancy’s HAWX, the most recent addition to the always growing tom Clancy family… its growing so much so that he will need to start killing them off to fit them all in the house, In the time of the year known as fuck all is coming out except games which are either shit (not naming anyone…avatar) or childish (Barry’s first sandbox) its getting harder to find games to review But HAWX is the 1st flight simulator out of the sea of self righteous FPS gun wank that is the majority of the Tom Clancy name which means it will be living as the black sheep of the family and will swiftly have a bed next to the family dog…in the back garden, HAWX is set in the near future where you start off in the US army until they decide you boot you quicker than a child hides that sweater his grandmother made for him. From this you join a corporation and work for them who are working for the US for… A BIT… until they turn their back on the US and work for the non-descript enemies (presumably not to piss anyone off… but it’s a bit late now… it’s like shooting the murderer after he’s killed a prostitute….or something like that because now…even France hates them and that’s saying something) and you like the patriotic arse grime you are go crawling back to the US who reinstate you.. BLAH BLAH BLAH…. The story is so patriotic it makes my eyes hurt just for watching (it could be that or the huge screen I watch it on…. Either or … doesn’t matter) but basically HAWXS is exactly like top-gun … without the boring non-flying bits……and Tom cruise….oh and the strangely homo-erotic volley ball scene …

Butt-Plug and Gimp suit just out of shot

but it has more planes for the plane nerds (but to everyone you’ll just see the same old arse end of a plane and explosions around you)…. And some other cool stuff…..WAIT…ITS MISSING THE CHEESY MUSIC AS WELL…I’m done… The flight simulation part which should be all we look at is really good… not that I have had experience in them though, but it’s fun and you get to blow stuff up with missiles at 3000miles a hour which isn’t normally a good thing as you sometimes miss the explosions to fly nose 1st into the nearest building … which is sometimes a skyscraper, the white house and if you’re lucky like me it won’t be a building it will be Air force one which has never looked better… well until I flew into it nose 1st that is…there’s also a nice addition to it called “assistance mode off” which would be better describes as … I’m floating in the sky watching my plane from a fucked up angle and do crazy stunts and sometimes spin round the plane to the nose just to piss the player off and help them fly into non-descript buildings…what is it with this game and flying into fucking buildings … the bane of all pilots….apart from this there’s not much more to say…the terrain looks awesome until you fly low…then it looks like a fat man sat on it after a all you can eat buffet and decided not to get up for half an hour (for those who doesn’t get that .. it means its flat…pixilated and looks shit) there’s lots of different areas to fly that look awesome … except the before mentioned fatty issue and it’s a pretty good single player game which induces fun onto you like a gentle massage to the temples will make you relax… there’s a multiplayer element though and that’s where the problems start to occur quicker than a .. Well a fatty to a all you can eat buffet.. There’s 2 modes .. Multiplayer campaign which is the same as single player.. So no problems .. all the funs of flying through fantastic scenery to crash into building but with your buddies and there is also a versus dog fight mode… this is shallower than a puddle with Katie Price standing in it and the lobbies are quieter than a one horse town after a nuke has dropped….

The Good

The scenery is spectacular
The Story is solid
The planes are sweet Its Fun…remember that well I didn’t until this

The Bad
The multiplayer sucks harder than a hooker trying to get money for food
THERES NO CHEESY MUSIC
The scenery is shit below 500ft
FOR CHRIST SAKES THERES NO SIGN OF THE CHEESY MUSIC

The Ugly…

Well the shit scenery and the lack of THE FUCKING CHEESEY MUSIC!!!!!!!!! Its times like these you wish tom cruise can come diving in and save the day with the fucking top gun song….. Oh well I’ll just have to go back to humming it as I’m playing

Tom Cruise... a man with one use and it isnt preaching