23th April 2009: Oh look..theres air force one.. and its getting *BOOM*
Welcome to another review from Backseat Reviewers from Dan…. The super villain of the brand as I will break bens ankles soon if he doesn’t do a kill zone 2 review soon… damn you Ben… but this week’s rookie came over from France… well err.. Yeah … he didn’t last long… after 20 words and 3 of them where… Halo, shit & worst…Ben lifted him up with his hulk powers and dropped him head 1st into a vat of bree and I let the room as it was too gruesome to recall…but onto the review… And funnily enough the next rookie
Look ma, no hands!
Tom Clancy’s HAWX, the most recent addition to the always growing tom Clancy family… its growing so much so that he will need to start killing them off to fit them all in the house, In the time of the year known as fuck all is coming out except games which are either shit (not naming anyone…avatar) or childish (Barry’s first sandbox) its getting harder to find games to review But HAWX is the 1st flight simulator out of the sea of self righteous FPS gun wank that is the majority of the Tom Clancy name which means it will be living as the black sheep of the family and will swiftly have a bed next to the family dog…in the back garden, HAWX is set in the near future where you start off in the US army until they decide you boot you quicker than a child hides that sweater his grandmother made for him. From this you join a corporation and work for them who are working for the US for… A BIT… until they turn their back on the US and work for the non-descript enemies (presumably not to piss anyone off… but it’s a bit late now… it’s like shooting the murderer after he’s killed a prostitute….or something like that because now…even France hates them and that’s saying something) and you like the patriotic arse grime you are go crawling back to the US who reinstate you.. BLAH BLAH BLAH…. The story is so patriotic it makes my eyes hurt just for watching (it could be that or the huge screen I watch it on…. Either or … doesn’t matter) but basically HAWXS is exactly like top-gun … without the boring non-flying bits……and Tom cruise….oh and the strangely homo-erotic volley ball scene …
Butt-Plug and Gimp suit just out of shot
but it has more planes for the plane nerds (but to everyone you’ll just see the same old arse end of a plane and explosions around you)…. And some other cool stuff…..WAIT…ITS MISSING THE CHEESY MUSIC AS WELL…I’m done… The flight simulation part which should be all we look at is really good… not that I have had experience in them though, but it’s fun and you get to blow stuff up with missiles at 3000miles a hour which isn’t normally a good thing as you sometimes miss the explosions to fly nose 1st into the nearest building … which is sometimes a skyscraper, the white house and if you’re lucky like me it won’t be a building it will be Air force one which has never looked better… well until I flew into it nose 1st that is…there’s also a nice addition to it called “assistance mode off” which would be better describes as … I’m floating in the sky watching my plane from a fucked up angle and do crazy stunts and sometimes spin round the plane to the nose just to piss the player off and help them fly into non-descript buildings…what is it with this game and flying into fucking buildings … the bane of all pilots….apart from this there’s not much more to say…the terrain looks awesome until you fly low…then it looks like a fat man sat on it after a all you can eat buffet and decided not to get up for half an hour (for those who doesn’t get that .. it means its flat…pixilated and looks shit) there’s lots of different areas to fly that look awesome … except the before mentioned fatty issue and it’s a pretty good single player game which induces fun onto you like a gentle massage to the temples will make you relax… there’s a multiplayer element though and that’s where the problems start to occur quicker than a .. Well a fatty to a all you can eat buffet.. There’s 2 modes .. Multiplayer campaign which is the same as single player.. So no problems .. all the funs of flying through fantastic scenery to crash into building but with your buddies and there is also a versus dog fight mode… this is shallower than a puddle with Katie Price standing in it and the lobbies are quieter than a one horse town after a nuke has dropped….
The Good
The scenery is spectacular
The Story is solid
The planes are sweet Its Fun…remember that well I didn’t until this
The Bad
The multiplayer sucks harder than a hooker trying to get money for food
THERES NO CHEESY MUSIC
The scenery is shit below 500ft
FOR CHRIST SAKES THERES NO SIGN OF THE CHEESY MUSIC
The Ugly…
Well the shit scenery and the lack of THE FUCKING CHEESEY MUSIC!!!!!!!!! Its times like these you wish tom cruise can come diving in and save the day with the fucking top gun song….. Oh well I’ll just have to go back to humming it as I’m playing
Tom Cruise... a man with one use and it isnt preaching
15th April 2009: Hi, Im a unhappy purple blob
Welcome to * DADAH DADAH DADAH DADAH DA DA DA DADAH DAHA DADAH DADAH DAH!* Backseat Reviewers… for all your pleasurable needs….wait that sounds pedo grandad stylee…. Er…. We will get the next bit done later, but onto the pressing issue, I know there hasn’t been a review for the past X weeks (think its 2) but theres a few reasons… 1. FUCK ALL HAS COME OUT, 2. I got a new rig and couldn’t get any of the stuff done for a while, 3. Ive been lazy…& 4. Did I mention FUCK all has come out, but in the near future we are gonna have ben with halo wars, bankock dangerous and Killzone2 as well as ben we have the code monkey doing a review (yes we let him out of the cage for once) of Dawn of war II and Ive got several things up my sleeve like that large pile of games on my side. I would carry on to talk about the recuite we had training up but theres a funny story about that… We send him to find shelob and well…..he found her…BRING ON THE NEXT RECUITE…any way on with the review
The Maw, is a game on the XBLA (yay not a-fucking-nouther one ) and was realised back in the time where eagles and dolphins where the only mode of transport in the land of January 09 (ok so it wasn’t that long ago but with amount of games released un-naturally in the 1s quarter it fucking feels like it)
So your this blue squishy alien called frank (yes the creative division was playing with a ball of wool on the day that was decided) and he doesn’t know evil or war because he was mummy cuddled from birth until he was dropped arse 1st onto a beautiful planet after a ship he was in crashed into a planet and spilled out lots of different coloured squishy things until he find one called Maw which is a hungry purple squishy thing (I think the creative division had been fired by this point) and this purple squishy thing goes around eating all the multi-coloured things and becoming a multi-coloured purple thing…
ok I don’t know that for sure because my colon exploded by boredom that I didn’t find it out that and it was a demo… the place where you play is pretty well designed for a XBLA and the little multi-coloured squishy things look like….. Well little multi-coloured squishy things and that is a good thing as the creativity section has been found in the corner with a shotgun between their mouths like the unloved drug addicts you walked past yesterday….. Yes it’s your fault he blew their brains out they needed love… And then that caused a chain reaction where all of their family’s died … just because the market is chock a block with remakes and 1FS and no brainer gore… I’m not saying there bad but there needs to be some games where it uses intelligence… and you have fun….remember those things… any how I procrastinate,
The main issue the game has is it handles like a paraplegic with a nine inch nail embedded in his non-responsive thigh..but don’t get me wrong, The game isn’t bad, but it isn’t good either, its bland, its boring, its like Mr. Grey living in Grey town, grey country with his wife Margret or Mr. Pirates Monotimus adventure…and that’s its main problem… that and its potential to piss its self when ever the nurse isn’t around ….
But now onto the Good the bad and the UGLY!!!
The Good;
The colours are bright and vibrant,
The squishy things look like squishy things
The bad;
Its BORING;
What the hell are the squishy blobs supposed to be,
Some of the names of the squishy things are ridiculous
The ugly;
Its the kind of game I can imagine 20 something single mother playing while they aren’t at work or eating pizza
So 50 years down the line we go to the shop and we have to choose between Halo 567, Gears of war 67 and street fighter 5 becuase they are the only games left being made.. remember this….I fucking called it
( I would like to thank “Yatzee” from Zero Punctuation for insperation for all of my reviews (since myspace days) and basicly the last line)
Sunday, September 14, 2008 : Dan: Im gonna burn this whole world down
Haven’t you heard you let the viking win?”
That’s What I would Say If I had to sum up Mercenaries 2: world in flames (Ea’s latest addition to the story) in one phrase. In Merc’s 2 you play as one of 3 Mercenaries..
Mattias Nilsson, hes Swedish, Funny and it just seems so right through out the story, oh and he can take alot of damage… and I mean alot..
Christopher Jacobs, hes a yank, hes the strong guy, carry’s a lot, and does the general American thing … and hes always got a cigar
And finally Jennifer Mui, shes from Hong Kong, and shes FAST.. she also has a bundle of one liners which are funny and its mainly to do with her gender as shes the only female
And you have a unplayable tech support who helps you through out the story line and she has a pink mustang its awesome..if you break it .. you need to buy a new one..
The story is pretty straight forward from the off, in 2010 you go to Venezuela for a job from a man that goes by the name of Ramon Solano and he didn’t pay you for it…well he tried to kill you..but you escape , you get pissed off and want revenge and the money (its mainly because you didn’t get paid.. hence why playing with the Swedish guy works better) you have to work for several factions to get info on hes men and locations excreta and in the end a nuclear bunker buster….(yes BIG BOOM…its fun) the factions include Universal Petroleum (basically BP but for everyone) The People’s Liberation Army of Venezuela (Viva Le revolution) , The allied nations who are there to stop the Chinese..and they cant get fuel for there country (The USA *cough cough*) People’s Liberation Army (of China) (haha owned used real name of country) and The Jamaican pirate. you have to try and keep these guys happy so you can do jobs and bounties for them…so you go around blowing shit up and capturing people (if you kill them by accident take a photo, half the pay half the hassle) to further your progress through out the game through contracts with them….. you build your back up squad through put the story to give you greater expansion of what you can do… the 1st person you find is a Irish Helicopter pilot, this guy is awesome..he helps you by transporting you, dropping shit off and stealing fuel, money and weapons from the factions (fuel is needed for using air strikes and dropping stuff off and other shit) then there is the drunk french jet pilot who’s motto is you don’t need to be able to stand up to fly..and hes right… he has a pretty straight shot and hits what you want him to.. and finally there’s the female Latino mechanic who the Irish guy keeps trying to hit on …she makes AWESOME vehicles with spare parts you find around the world… Ive unlocked one… but its a bike… with guns attached and tank treads in stead of wheels so its effective off road as well… I love it
with the addition of the 2 pilots to you squad you get to use air strikes, bombs, nukes the general KABOOM objects, you can hijack every Vehicles (except planes) with a special button hijack mini game where to takes patience in getting the buttons right and normally ends in a comical hijack…. oh and everything can be destroyed….I Mean everything.. sandbox is pretty much a under-statement, the graphics are sexual and there’s some glitches but they are nothing major..its so much fun, I pretty much wasted my free time (no assignments on it) and after completing it I want more.. so currently im thinking of going back through it all to get the alternate ending where you work for the AN instead of the Chinese.. oh and to capture everyone instead of killing some .. its 3rd person and they have decided to stay with the mercs 1 controller layout which i think was i wise move,
But theres as always bad bits about this game, its glitchy and buggy and then the main issue you have is the illness called stockpile syndrome where you save missiles and heavy weapons when ur up against a nazi robot zombie from mars just in case theres a bigger nazi zombie vampire from jupitur round the corner which leaves you at the end of the game with enough rockets to send a tank to the moon or to andomeder …. or youll just blow yourself up and thats not good for anyone
So, If you want a game were you can go into a shanty town and blow it the fuck up with a tank..this is for you … but if you want a realistic shooter wait for call of duty…. but this is well worth the look in… I love it, but due to the glitches its gonna have to be 4/5 for this game… now I have to wait another 3 -4 years for mercenaries 3 (please not that long… hurry up which is hinted (in game) to be set in India. Pandemic Studios has created a Awesome game, but its going to be largely ignored this season because of the upcoming fall rush of Fable II, GoWII, CoD “5″ and its a shame.. this will be a hidden gem
