20/10/2009 : Brutallity!!!!!!!!!!!!….wait…Fatality!!!..no I was right the 1st time
Its Been A While, But….
Brutal Legend, produced by Tim shafer’s double fine featuring Jack Black, Ozzy & Lemmy “kill master”
Yes dears the guitar is a major part of this game
This game’s genre is extremely hard to classify as it randomly swaps between a Hack .n. slash and then steaths into a heavy metal RTS which gets you confused after listening to Ozzy for about half an hour (yes head bangers included) which kicks the arse of Halo Wars , im mean really I think they way this game has produced the RTS parts of the games are ingenious, they are amazing and I love them. I love them ….. and I Freaking Love them.
Ok, to be fair this unit has rob Halford (of Judas Priest) on the back of the bike but this is still cool right?!...Right?!?!
You are Eddie Riggs who are the best roadie in the world, but you are a roadie to the shittist “metal” (they are like the Jonas brothers mixed with panic with some nu-metal influences…so they blow) theres a big accident on their stage, big fiery demon comes up kicks their arse and you get taken to the land of Metal…youve heard it all before right?…. thats right NO… thats why its freaking good….its a game devoted to heavy METAL!!!… Eddie Riggs has 2 weapons on him, a freaking axe (picture at the top) and another Axe of the stringed verity (top again) the guitar can fire electricity and fire and play solos to do things (such as rally points, summon cars & it is the most important thing you have)…. the world is influenced by album covers & theres a Freaking mt. Rushmore kind of thing which i made it so i can have Ozzy, and Lemmy because them 2 together = BRUTAL!!!…. I don’t want to go into the story too much but I can say, the script and story is fantastic, and it has the strongest storyline I have seen in a while…
"Ok.....big evil demon thing... give me back my axe...no my other axe"
The sound track is fantastic for a METAL fan, tracks from bands such as; Mastodon, slayer, megadeth, Ozzy, Black Sabbath, Motorhead, Testament, Static-X, Manson and the list can quite frankly go on for ever the full set list is on wiki or something. The multiplayer is actually fantastic from the off its balanced and works perfectly, theres been a few times when I’ve got raped due to retardation or general shitness, it takes a lot of skill to play with a certain faction and it shows that a decent RTS can be made on a console platform. and its AWSOME!!!
Black, Red & Chrome how original
The Good:
The Story is awesome
The Soundtrack, has a good diversity of Metal Tracks from lots of genres such as glam, Thrash, Black & Industrial
The guitar shoots fire and lightning….I wish I made that up…Really
Ozzy is the guardian of metal..nuff said
The RTS aspect of the game Actually works unlike every other one to date (for consoles that is)
The world looks beautiful (for a place inspired from demons and evilness)
and its FUN!!… remember that… yes we are getting a few fun games recently and its good times
The Bad
The Controls are clunky and sticky but you don’t really notice it
They try to make Eddie look to badass on the front cover (its almost as bad as the Batman cover)
It gets boring after a play through
The Ugly
Lemmy’s Mole/wart thing..
Ok, Long Story Short Typed In Mole With Out Thinking & This Ugly motherfucker Shows Up
21/08/09 : Lost Planet 2; Co-op Demo
Capcom have really done it again, Resident Evil 5’s a amazing game (if you play it on live) and looks amazing, and they have a long history of good games: Dead Rising, Devil May Cry and Mega-man to name a few and now they are back with Lost Planet 2. The Co-op Demo has recently been released and I decided to drop into the action so to speak as I have been looking forward to this one since its announcement (on x-box live under the veil of more RE5 news)
Lost, No More
The on-line demo drops you off in the middle of a fire fight with 3 other blurry eyed newbies which pit you up against a 50ft, flame daemon thing that lived on the planet before you arrived or you stole his prized marrow, or maybe you squashed his dinner, you get no explanation and its best if you don’t get one as you wouldn’t give a shit in hell…as the 1st thing the game made me do was jizz in my (what seems) very young and excitable pants with the amazing terrain and the overall looks of the games, then it made me shit myself in the before mentioned jizz pants when the before mentioned spawn of the devil comes and kicks mine and the other 3 guys faces into the ground and then its over as quickly as it started.
It's hard to believe this guy just wants a hug
Quickly after this I started another game and swiftly started to play the game like I should of, its a 3rd person shooter which you can go around in mechanical walkers and “stuff” and use rocket launchers and the normal assortment of exploding things to down the creature I refer to as fluffy. Its Extremely well executed and is shaping up to be a formidable game in the Christmas charts even tho there is a number one already and it isn’t hello kitty island adventure
"Yes Sir, Its Affirmative It Doesn't Like The Name Fluffy"
The Lost Planet 2: Co-op Demo is on each consoles respective market places for free download and is slated for a fall 09 release in the US (and I’m guessing UK) and 2010 in JP
09/06/2009 : Have You Seen 2 Hobbits?!?!?!
Lord Of The Rings Conquest…….yeah Its OK.
OK, Its Dan here and I can’t really leave it there, This Review will be on Lord Of The Rings Conquest as you could probably tell and its the latest in line of film spin offs but with a difference.
With Lord Of The Rings being one of the best books and film series ever, it was inevitable to have a lot of games spawned from it from the crotch kicking awfulness of the Fellowship of the ring, to the genital massaging awesomeness of the battle of middle earth series, it has had games of all different quality’s.
This is from the creators from the Star Wars Battlefront series and it follows its predecessor’s style and feel to the dot, which was good in 2000 or when ever they star wars version came out, but now it is just the same old style with an even better skin on it. As always with these games you have objectives to complete within a certain amount of lives, which gets very annoying as you always die just before you finish it. But it would be OK if they altered the game play slightly, but they bloody ripped it off and battered it to death with its own arm to try and make it seem like it was a original game, which it is not.
There are 2 campaigns like always with you playing the 1st one as it happened in the books on the good side with hero charecters Aragorn, Legolas, gimli and all of the good charcters and then theres anouther one where your the evil and its set in the what if universe and this is the big I especially enjoyed as it gives a new view on what could of happened and the charecters are that of the evil witch king the evil people and more evil people.. which have lots of names I couldnt spell even if they were in front of me let alone recall them.
All this guy is fit for is death....Let alone leading a army... I supposed they are Orcs
Then theres the online mode which has a lot to be desired for, for a start its hard to find a game becuase no one plays it and when you do find a game its got 2 modes which are basicly Capture the flag and Death Match, these both get boring after the 5th time of playing them let alone the 100 you need for a rediculus achievement.. they are also laggyier than porn on a dial up connection.
But all in all the game is ok, you get to be the balrog for christ’s sake and a game where you can be that fiery juggernaut is at least competent in my eyes, but apart from that its bland, annoying and the graphics feel like a throw back to the early 2000’s with games such as MGS4 and GTA VI having graphics that are amazing even though they are grey…very grey… so grey oh and dirt colours.
The Good
Its JRR Tolkins Lord Of The Rings
You Can Be The Mother Fucking Balrog
Battle Grounds Was Fun, So Naturally So Is This….For A Bit
It Just Doesnt Cover The Colours In The Dirt Spectrum
The Heroes and Archers Are Fun For A Bit
You Get To Be Mother Fucking Frodo
The Bad
Its No Metal Gear
It Gets Boring After About A Hour… So Its Better Than Any Gimmik Stick Waggling Game The Wii Has To Offer
The Online Sucks Harder Than A Hooker Welcoming The Boys Back From The War In The Old Days
It Is Battle Grounds
The Ugly
The Graphics are butt ugly I’ve seen better graphics on a Ps2 (Metal Gear Solid 3 & Final Fantasy X To name a few…What is it with me and going on about metal gear in this review) theres the graphics and gothmog..someones put him out of his misery so we dont have to look at him PLEASE!
I'm In A Boat... yeah.... I'm in a boat.....ect ect
The Next Few Reviews are going to be of the E3 announcements that recently happened and of Guitar Hero: Metallica as I am still writing them up as theres alot of content in them (apart from the ninendo as they sucked this year)
13th May 2009: I’m On The Mirror’s Edge… Its sharp…
Welcome to anouther review from backseat reviewers, Im dan and im your host for today.
Advert for free-running*face paint not included*
Mirrors Edge, bright, blissful and beautiful… well that’s what they want you to see as Faith (the main character) and regularly points out like Hitler on his views of the Jews.
Mirrors edge is a 1st person free running game which has a hint of beat em up and FPS but these aspects of the game are gittery and have issues like a unloved teenager and for once that’s not a problem .. Not the unloved teenager, the game issues because they try to and succeed in covering it up by the innovative 1st Person Free running aspect,
it breaths a whole new life into video games as a lot of the times in games it comes down to skill and in this there’s that and the sheer dumb luck because on more than a thousand occasions I have been sitting there not wanting to look at the screen as I’m scared I’ll miss the really small ledge and hear the oncoming SPALT of the now faithless faith changing from a human being into a small puddle of red gooey stuff that will leave the janitor wonder what the hell it was before the impact (his nearest guess is a elephant as I imagine the blood splatter is pretty big)
Free-running you will have to find your own way... route will NOT be higlighted in red
Also in a side note the game is weird in another way as well as the before mentioned elephant splat and that is that the control scheme is very left hand dominant were most games are right hand (like cod you aim with left shoot with right, GTA accelerate the rhino handled car with the right brake with the left get the idea?) and here the jumping and crouching is all with the left and the jump is the time bumper which is one of the worse things to have to hit when you’re running away every law enforcer in the local vicinity chasing you down like you stole a loaf of bread in ye old England.
The story is pretty good considering that the majority of bug eyed nerds won’t take it on the story as they will strip it down to the perverted nudity and try to rip the mechanics apart and it will be missed on them. The scenery you’re running around is quite frankly beautiful and amazing and best of all believable thanks to the story, as if it wasn’t it would be like yeah its beautiful but it would never happen and thank god they got it right as it pulls you into the game like a lion pulling a lonely hunter into his den.
On another note the music by Lisa Miskovsky is …..Well…Amazing… I remember getting worked up because I couldn’t make a jump stick on the track and it washes calm over you like a wave it’s amazing and it makes the ending just amazing…. It is a game that people will either love or hate as its new it has bugs and glitches every now and then and its “different” from other games but I loved it, I can see why people would hunt it down like it was a witch in ye old Britain but for me it was not the case…outside of the game you can re run the game to a time trail and you have another mode where its basically the same but with different courses and no police so it’s just a nice little thing if you want to just go for a free run without the fear of getting shot in the ARSE!!
The Good
Its Beautiful,
Innovative,
The music is amazing.. And not cheesy,
The free running,
That split second where you’re on the highest point of the whole game and look over the city and just stare in amazement you just need to cue awesome music and it could possibly be one of the best moments of gaming … EVER
The Bad
The falling to your death,
The police are evil in the time trial,
There’s police everywhere,
Running inside is bad
The ugly
That nasty elephant shaped innards splatter that killed that old lady on that one miss judged jump
Well killing the elephants out the way.... How do you eat one!!!
15th April 2009: Hi, Im a unhappy purple blob
Welcome to * DADAH DADAH DADAH DADAH DA DA DA DADAH DAHA DADAH DADAH DAH!* Backseat Reviewers… for all your pleasurable needs….wait that sounds pedo grandad stylee…. Er…. We will get the next bit done later, but onto the pressing issue, I know there hasn’t been a review for the past X weeks (think its 2) but theres a few reasons… 1. FUCK ALL HAS COME OUT, 2. I got a new rig and couldn’t get any of the stuff done for a while, 3. Ive been lazy…& 4. Did I mention FUCK all has come out, but in the near future we are gonna have ben with halo wars, bankock dangerous and Killzone2 as well as ben we have the code monkey doing a review (yes we let him out of the cage for once) of Dawn of war II and Ive got several things up my sleeve like that large pile of games on my side. I would carry on to talk about the recuite we had training up but theres a funny story about that… We send him to find shelob and well…..he found her…BRING ON THE NEXT RECUITE…any way on with the review
The Maw, is a game on the XBLA (yay not a-fucking-nouther one ) and was realised back in the time where eagles and dolphins where the only mode of transport in the land of January 09 (ok so it wasn’t that long ago but with amount of games released un-naturally in the 1s quarter it fucking feels like it)
So your this blue squishy alien called frank (yes the creative division was playing with a ball of wool on the day that was decided) and he doesn’t know evil or war because he was mummy cuddled from birth until he was dropped arse 1st onto a beautiful planet after a ship he was in crashed into a planet and spilled out lots of different coloured squishy things until he find one called Maw which is a hungry purple squishy thing (I think the creative division had been fired by this point) and this purple squishy thing goes around eating all the multi-coloured things and becoming a multi-coloured purple thing…
ok I don’t know that for sure because my colon exploded by boredom that I didn’t find it out that and it was a demo… the place where you play is pretty well designed for a XBLA and the little multi-coloured squishy things look like….. Well little multi-coloured squishy things and that is a good thing as the creativity section has been found in the corner with a shotgun between their mouths like the unloved drug addicts you walked past yesterday….. Yes it’s your fault he blew their brains out they needed love… And then that caused a chain reaction where all of their family’s died … just because the market is chock a block with remakes and 1FS and no brainer gore… I’m not saying there bad but there needs to be some games where it uses intelligence… and you have fun….remember those things… any how I procrastinate,
The main issue the game has is it handles like a paraplegic with a nine inch nail embedded in his non-responsive thigh..but don’t get me wrong, The game isn’t bad, but it isn’t good either, its bland, its boring, its like Mr. Grey living in Grey town, grey country with his wife Margret or Mr. Pirates Monotimus adventure…and that’s its main problem… that and its potential to piss its self when ever the nurse isn’t around ….
But now onto the Good the bad and the UGLY!!!
The Good;
The colours are bright and vibrant,
The squishy things look like squishy things
The bad;
Its BORING;
What the hell are the squishy blobs supposed to be,
Some of the names of the squishy things are ridiculous
The ugly;
Its the kind of game I can imagine 20 something single mother playing while they aren’t at work or eating pizza
So 50 years down the line we go to the shop and we have to choose between Halo 567, Gears of war 67 and street fighter 5 becuase they are the only games left being made.. remember this….I fucking called it
( I would like to thank “Yatzee” from Zero Punctuation for insperation for all of my reviews (since myspace days) and basicly the last line)
